Why I'll Never Be a Country Boy

Every time I get into my mom's car, I go through the same thing;

Listen to country music.

Sure, you may like country music, but I am getting annoyed by it (with the exception of The Zac Brown Band). To further explain what I find disturbing about country music, I have compiled a list of reasons as to why I'll never go country.


First of all, absolutely every song you hear on Cat Country 98.1 is about one of the following things:

• Going to a bar
• Getting drunk at a bar
• Getting drunk
• Going out with a woman (or man, depending on gender of singer)
• Breaking up with a woman (or man, depending on gender of singer)
• Fishing
• Guns
• Making love
• Fighting
• Being "Young `n Reckless"

Let's go over these things, shall we?

First off, bars. Country people can't get enough of them "honky tonks". The bar is a country boy's home-away-from-home, where they can laugh with their friends, get drunk, start a fight, meet a girl, kiss a girl, go to "third base" with a girl, break up with a girl, and get drunk again, all in one night. I basically covered everything on the previously-mentioned list, except for fishing. Honestly, that's just a bit much for me. I look forward to being a responsible driver, not a drunk one.

Then, there's women. God, country boys just can't get enough of them "badonkadonks". (Just ask Trace Adkins). Of course, as a teenage boy, I can't really say I disagree, but enough of that. Truth is, when you're a country boy, and you want to hook up with a girl, it leads to something of a "Cycle of Girlfriends". It works something like this; You meet a girl, get her drunk, take her home that night, get married the next day, and break up a week later. It's sad, really, which is just another reason why I don't want to be a country boy.

So, we've covered bars/beer, and girls. How's about fishing. I will admit, I've been fishing a couple times, and I have ti say, I'm not that bad at it. Thing is, Brad Paisley is obsessed with fishing.
And I don't like Brad Paisley.
He annoys me.
A lot.

I don't know why, but there's just something about him that annoys me. He tries to get all "rock-and-roll-y" in his songs. I say he either sticks to country, or sticks to rock-and-roll. Not both.

Guns are just a given in a country boy's life. Every country boy has a shot-gun in their closet upstairs, just waiting to take a shot at a deer, only to mount it's antlers above the fireplace. I like animals. `Nuff said.

That's about everything there is on that list. If you were wondering about what country girls are like, don't even get me started. You listen to at least five country songs sung by females, and you get to understand just how complicated women can be.

As you can see, country boys are very similar to gangster, rap boys, with the exception of bars, and fishing. Either way, you're bound to end up in jail, which is not the place for me.

Hence the reason why I'll never be a country boy.

Yours in awesomeness,
~Ry.